"Paul the Duck goes to SCOTUS (as transcribed by his mystery handler)"
Hey friends of my handler...sorry the invite came so late this morning. As you all couldn't come along, I (Paul), offer you an account of Ms. Smith goes to Washington.
Please see the picture after the play by play...you can't take photos inside but this is EXACTLY how I remember it!
08:45:00 Fresh, crisp winter morning. It smells like justice!
08:48:00 Walking up to SCrOTUmS. Dear Christ. Is this the line for Madonna tickets? I thought her tour wasn’t until summer. Count at least 150 people in line in front of me…and the doors don’t even open ‘til 10:00. Thank God I brought my book.
08:55:00 Sure is crisp! Really crisp! That smell of justice is a bit overwhelming.
08:57:00 <reading> Chapter 1: One morning, three hundred and forty-eight years, six months and nineteen days ago, the Parisians were awakened by a grand peal from all the bells…
09:00:00 Hmmm. Maybe not so much crisp as it is cold.
09:10:00 <reading> ‘Hush! My dear Lienarde,’ said her fair neighbour, pretty, blooming, and quite…” <noticing commotion ahead of me> Hey, isn’t that…aaaaaaaah!
09:15:00 URGENT TEXT MESSAGE TO FRIENDS: Holy Christ! I just got knocked down by a camera man/men as Anna Nicole walked next to me. I promise to Jesus! Watch the news!
09:20:00 <looking down at footprints on my shoes and plant fragments on my jacket> Did that just happen? Do I even need to go in anymore?
09:30:00 Ah. Media circus for Barnum and Scalia's Hollywood Meets Hollywood for Ugly People Event! Bring in the clowns! Oh wait! They’re inside already!
09:35:00 Visiting high school girl responding to umpteenth Channel Jackfork Live! at 9:50 News reporter question. “Like, I mean, I don’t know really know, like, the specifics, but I know she and that old man were together, and like, they were married and in love, so, like, she, ya know, deserves all that money.” Reporter: <vacant look on her face> “Anything else you’d like to add?” Girl: “Yah, like her hair, was like, way over totally over bleached. Hi mommm!” Ah. God bless America.
09:40:00 <reading> “Will they sing pastorals?” asked Gisquette. “Oh, fie!” said the unknown. “What?! In a morality! We must not…” Oh fie this! Fie you Victor and your stupid hunchback. It’s too cold to read and I’m so not getting in.
09:55:00 Channel Jackfork Live! at 9:55 News reporter to our section of the line: “Did any of you see Ms. Smith?” Preteen girl wearing capris (CAPRIS?) pointing to guy standing behind me: “Heeee did! <giggling> Heee got pushed into the bushes with those guys!” Reporter: “Anything you’d like to say regarding the case, sir?” Guy standing next to me, looking shady: “I’m sorry, no comment. I’d rather not be interviewed.” I’d rather not be interviewed? What? Are you undercover? Did you strip with Anna? Whatever.
10:15:00 Okay, that’s messed up. They only let in 50 people. What? What time did people get here? They need to set up some bleachers or something.
11:00:00 God I swear this is like one of those multimillion dollar Disneyworld rides that has a ten hour wait and when you (finally) get in your seat the damn thing breaks down. Yes. Scotus is Test Track at Epcot. I bet Anna isn’t cold inside.
11:30:00 Oh God. I can’t feel my feet. I think the Australian girl behind me in the yak jacket is dead. Hey, isn’t that the guy from Entertainment Tonight? Or Access Hollywood or whatever?
11:35:00 Great. No more people allowed inside to the Gucci section. Have to go to the ghetto gallery five minute viewing section. Yay. Three hours for a Scotus peep show.
11:50:00 Ah. Inside. Instantly warmed by the cockles of liberty. I hope Justice Roberts likes my outfit!!!!
11:48:00 What? I thought this sheeeyat was free. 25 cents for a locker to hold my cell phone? Man, I better get to pet one of the Justices for this.
12:05:00 Yup. That’s Alito all right. And if I move a little to my left, I can see that cute little Jewish woman. I think Anna Nicole borrowed her giganta-sunglasses this morning. Oh! And next to her is that guy that looks like Jimmy Stewart. I wonder if he gets mixed up with him a lot even though Jimmy died ten years ago. Hmmm. What’s up with Alito? Is he bored? He’s looking up at the ceiling with a blank look on his face. Now he’s looking (wistfully) off to his left. He keeps swinging left and right on his chair. And now he’s rocking in his chair back and forth. STOP THAT! I got knocked into the bushes, forced to wait over three hours in what felt like that freezing scene in Day After Tomorrow, ANND I paid 25 cents…for what? To get a view nosebleed view of Alito acting like my sister’s fourth grade ADD student, that’s what.
12:08:00 I can’t see jack. I want my quarter back. Thankfully, though, I’m shielded from Scalias death rays that often shoot from his eyes. I sure hope they can’t penetrate marble columns.
12:10:00 Oh my god Alito keeps rocking in his chair. Does he have to pee really bad like me? I bet the other Justices are hazing him and made him drink like 10 beers before they started. Legal blah blah blah, probate blah blah blah, Vickie blah blah blah. Woman with big hair next to me: “Vickie? Who’s Vickie?”
12:20:00 Last one out’s a rotten egg! Emerging from the Court, head held high, walking down the steps, taking in a deep breath of democracy, I’m greeted with…100 cameras focused on me. Ah. Media circus part two.
12:30:00 Yah, like she’s gonna come waltzing down the steps raising her fists up high doing a (drugged) Rocky dance. Don’t you people know Hollywood? The side entrance, the SIDE ENTRANCE!
12:35:00 I was right. The side entrance. Yup. She’s coming straight toward me. Anna? Anna! Show me your t*ts*! Anyone have beads? Oh, it doesn’t look pretty. Sister needs some moisturizer. And her hair, yikes! I thought it looked oily at first but its all kinds of brittle. She needs some of that hot oil Alberto VO5 leave in hair conditioner stuff. (*it's Mardi Gras, natch)
12:37:00 Good God you’d think Jesus was in the courtroom today. Everyone go buy some Trimspa and go home.
12:40:00 Standing on corner as her tinted window SUV drives off. Poor gal. I wish I had brought a teddy bear or daises or pills to throw at her. Teen boy next to me: “So like, did she win?” Teen girl responding, “Like, I think so. But, like, I didn’t see the jury. I think they were, like, in another room.”
Ah. God bless, like, America.
--Paul
paultheduck@gmail.com (check out my site every monday beginning in march!)
UPDATE as of 3:20 PM
"That guy" is from Access Hollywood. Tim Vicent. He's so pretty for a man.
And also found on Access Hollywood's site was a report which included:
"Earlier, when she arrived, several photographers were knocked to the ground in their zeal to get a picture of Smith..."
I would like to correct that with, "several photographers, law abiding American and (yak skin coat wearing) Australian citizens, ducks, AND their handlers were knocked to the ground...
-PTD